Monday, May 5, 2008
I'm in a weird mood tonight, I feel a bit melancholy. My mind is full of so many conflicting thoughts and emotions..not that this is anything out of the ordinary. Today has been fairly relaxed. This morning the children we homeschool went with Brett and Tonya to look for a school for them. They were all loaded in the van waiting to be taken and as I waited with them I felt like a mom trying to ease her nerves as they waited nervously to go to "real" school. Everyday I find more things that feel daunting, yet daily I grow more attached to these kids and see more beauty in the simple, small things with them. Pretending to ride a motorcycle with Jeffrie, making silly faces with Shenice, reading to Gabriel, dancing with Sarah..it's not what we're doing..it's the smiles that each face holds while we do it..it's the laughter that comes from them that makes me smile..I know it's cheesy and Alison just blogged about beauty but deal with it because this is me sharing how I feel, this is me being real with you.
Also, I know I promised to blog more about living holistic missional lives next time I blogged but something else has been on my mind the past few days so please be patient and it will come...
The past few days I've been thinking a lot about things done in the past and their effect on our present. Those people we were from whom we feel like we can't escape, or at least that's my struggle. The ghost of our former selves still makes its presence known. I feel like no matter how far away I get from that person who lacked character, that girl who was blinded by illusion and who didn't hold a lot of self confidence..I feel I'm still seen as her by some. Or is it all just in my mind, a manifestation of my discontent with myself? Part of me feels like it's a little of both. In the end it doesn't, and shouldn't, matter who a few individuals may see me as. However, that doesn't stop me from being distracted and upset about it time to time. When we move forward from something and transform into something new and beautiful it's almost like if not everyone acknowledges it (and it's always the few we really wanted to acknowledge it in the first place that don't), then it isn't real. That we're still stuck as that old person. That's not true, obviously..that's just how it makes me feel. There will always be people who see us as better or worse than we really are. Our perception of others is always distorted by our own blinders. How do we clear away those blinders to see others how we should? Or can we ever really? Also, how do we become so content in our Father's abundant love for us that we don't seek approval from man? When someone makes us feel small, inadequate and unworthy is it all just us not having enough confidence in one's self or is it justified emotions?..
Anyhow, enough rambling..the internet is out and I won't be able to post this until tomorrow. In the mean time I need some sleep!
Peace & Love,