I'm in a weird mood tonight, I feel a bit melancholy. My mind is full of so many conflicting thoughts and emotions..not that this is anything out of the ordinary. Today has been fairly relaxed. This morning the children we homeschool went with Brett and Tonya to look for a school for them. They were all loaded in the van waiting to be taken and as I waited with them I felt like a mom trying to ease her nerves as they waited nervously to go to "real" school. Everyday I find more things that feel daunting, yet daily I grow more attached to these kids and see more beauty in the simple, small things with them. Pretending to ride a motorcycle with Jeffrie, making silly faces with Shenice, reading to Gabriel, dancing with Sarah..it's not what we're doing..it's the smiles that each face holds while we do it..it's the laughter that comes from them that makes me smile..I know it's cheesy and Alison just blogged about beauty but deal with it because this is me sharing how I feel, this is me being real with you.
Also, I know I promised to blog more about living holistic missional lives next time I blogged but something else has been on my mind the past few days so please be patient and it will come...
The past few days I've been thinking a lot about things done in the past and their effect on our present. Those people we were from whom we feel like we can't escape, or at least that's my struggle. The ghost of our former selves still makes its presence known. I feel like no matter how far away I get from that person who lacked character, that girl who was blinded by illusion and who didn't hold a lot of self confidence..I feel I'm still seen as her by some. Or is it all just in my mind, a manifestation of my discontent with myself? Part of me feels like it's a little of both. In the end it doesn't, and shouldn't, matter who a few individuals may see me as. However, that doesn't stop me from being distracted and upset about it time to time. When we move forward from something and transform into something new and beautiful it's almost like if not everyone acknowledges it (and it's always the few we really wanted to acknowledge it in the first place that don't), then it isn't real. That we're still stuck as that old person. That's not true, obviously..that's just how it makes me feel. There will always be people who see us as better or worse than we really are. Our perception of others is always distorted by our own blinders. How do we clear away those blinders to see others how we should? Or can we ever really? Also, how do we become so content in our Father's abundant love for us that we don't seek approval from man? When someone makes us feel small, inadequate and unworthy is it all just us not having enough confidence in one's self or is it justified emotions?..
Anyhow, enough rambling..the internet is out and I won't be able to post this until tomorrow. In the mean time I need some sleep!
Peace & Love,
Naseem
4 comments:
My dear Naseem --
Embrace your melancholy. Acknowledge it. Accept it. Embrace it. It's there & it's present. To ignore it would be naive, foolish, & delusional.
But notice I didn't say live with it. It can visit, but it can't take up residence.
I too have dealt with such feelings of non-acceptance, of wondering why people see you in other lights than the one you currently project. It is frustrating to deal with people who continue to see you as you once were, not as who you are becoming in Christ. You are a new creature, yet some people prefer your old skin.
Whenever I run into anyone I knew from my days as a Pentecostal, they still speak to me in that language & see me through those eyes, as if the past 4 years have never occurred. It angers me & it makes me sad. I want them to see that I have moved on, I have changed, I have grown up. Yet they prefer to see me as a 20-something kid who has made wrong choices and left the "Church."
I feel your pain, sister; I feel your pain. It is real, it hurts, and it is raw. Melancholy is quite the powerful emotion.
Just know that you are loved & missed here in the States. You are doing amazing work down there in Roatan & you will have these stories to tell/share for years to come.
Peace to you both.
Naseem, as I read your thoughts I keep thinking of grace. We hope that others will show us grace as they view us and form opinions of us...or as they have known us in the past...that they will graciously allow us to move on from what we once were. But the truth is, we are creatures who are not gracious by nature. In our best moments, we remember the grace we have been shown and act accordingly.
I also remember how our adversary is called the great accuser of the saints. That's what he does and he does it very well. But you have an advocate who stands before the Father for you. He is the One who tells you who you truly are. Sometimes I think God uses those memories of who we once were to remind us that we should be humble. Sometimes I think the accuser wants us to be stymied into inaction by those thoughts. So, you, beautiful Naseem, must remember who you are as your Counselor, your Advocate, your Lawyer, Jesus Christ, the Righteous One (I John 2.1)stands before the Father on your behalf.
APN is right. You are doing a beautiful thing. We are all rejoicing with the saints over you.
For all of my efforts to write something comparable to the foregoing comments, I will merely concede to their wisdom and grace and say...
What they said. This waging war goes on, for now, but now Christ dwells within you, forever changing the landscape of your destiny.
Nice post Naseem. Thanks for being real. Real cheesy that is. Wow, you two are both cheesy. What are the chances of that?
Then again you’re both really cool.
Seriously, it’s good that you are aware of who you are and who you were. Honestly, that part of you will be with you whether you like it or not. Like it says in the film Magnolia: “We may be through with the past but the past ain't through with us.”
However, the one silver lining is that you have people in your life like Adam, Me, Alison, you family who see and notice that change in you.
Oh and to call you cheesy.
Hope you got some sleep.
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