Friday, April 18, 2008
The younger boys are having sleep over tonight so Alison and I were inspired and are having one ourselves-which really is just justification to eat the bag of popcorn we bought, drink a canada dry, and watch mean girls on her laptop while I blog.
I sent an email to about 15 people last night and I'm really just too tired to process my thoughts to blog something new and would much rather zone out to Mean Girls so I'm just going to pass on the thoughts I sent last night in an email..
Today has been a super rough day for me. The kids have been ridiculously hard to handle. It's so hard knowing how to balance it all! Administering proper consequences, being respected, playing the role of entertainer and in the same swoop, for Alison and I, teaching three unwilling children five days a week. It's physically exhausting playing the role of a parent, but it's more emotionally exhausting than anything. This place is in such a state of uncertainty. The home itself is in crisis mode still and after reading an article on the previous sketch of a director it's easy to see why it's in such shambles right now. http://www.zimbio.com/President+Manuel+Zelaya/articles/3/missionary+Roatan+up+no+good
How long it will take for calmness, peace, respectability, and trust to come back into this home is unknown. All I know is we're amidst the storm right now and it's easy to feel the brunt of it. I left Friendswood full of distractions in my life and I literally feel I left them behind there and I've come here welcomed by all new ones. Strangely I welcome these distractions. They seem to cause me to question, ponder, and seek things I find necessary instead of being distracted by things I know were unhealthy and detrimental to my well being.
I was reading 'Mere Christianity' the other day and I came across this..'The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first-wanting to be at the centre-wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race.' I blogged about it a bit the other day, but like every last one of us I struggle with control and submission to the Almighty. A song by Casting Crowns we sung at worship tonight (shout out to Ryan- thanks for that) asks 'Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control?' They then sing, 'Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me. Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me.' And that's exactly where I am, where I feel I'm fighting not to be. In the middle. Just when I feel like when I'm about to stop being stuck I end up being brought back down again. Fighting to not be defined by who I was, where I was, or who others define me as and fighting to be who I was made to be, who I am, and where I'm going. I don't quite know how to get there and I'm quite confident theirs not a formula for the matter. I think it comes down to submitting that control and my willingness to do so. Ultimately my ability to be actively pursuing not being at the centre.
'Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side. Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle.'